Pre Election Message

This election has only been going on for six weeks but it feels like the longest six weeks ever experienced in recorded history, time has stretched in ways only previously thought possible during a Matt Forde stand-up show.

As we predicted, the Lib Dems have had nothing to say, and despite Jo Swinson’s best attempts to gerrymander polls, engender vibes and say the phrase ‘skills wallet’ until you forget she’s standing in front of a towering mountain of rubbish sacks, she has failed to create the alternate reality wormhole necessary for them to be anything other than a fringe interest to make wealthy, hand-wringing liberals feel better about enabling the Tories.

The Tories, meanwhile, have been almost nowhere to be seen. Jacob Rees-Mogg was sent to live on a farm after his comments to the effect of ‘if I were in a fire I would simply leave’ and this sparked a trend of Tory politicians dipping, ducking and diving to avoid drawing attention to themselves and their steaming turd of a manifesto which goes on about potholes a lot, for some reason.

This all culminated in Boris Johnson sending Michael Gove and his dad over to Channel 4 with a note asking he be excused from the Climate Debate and then, in an extremely normal move, suggesting he would review their broadcasting licence for daring to empty chair him because he er…didn’t turn up.

The Tories are evading scrutiny because they know they also have nothing to say except ‘we don’t care’, and, since that isn’t a very good election slogan, they are hoping that their absence will be sufficient to allow people to default to them as a ‘safe pair of hands’ and they can continue selling off our NHS and state infrastructure to private interests.


Similarly, Labour, who do have something to say, have been subjected to salvo after salvo of nonsense criticism from the commentariat about watching the Queen’s Speech, ‘broadband communism’ and other things nobody cares about, because engaging with the substance of the Labour manifesto would be to expose that it would be hugely beneficial to the majority of the people in this country.

Make no mistake: ahead of tomorrow the guardians of acceptability in Britain are lined up to tell you that Labour can’t win and that their agenda is kooky disaster socialism because they want you to not bother, they want you to believe, as they do, that better things aren’t possible. They aren’t explaining reality to you, they are seeking to create the reality they imagine. Do not take their advice. They see you as their enemy and you should see them as yours.

Those people believe that the lives of poor, disabled and otherwise marginalised people in this country are an acceptable cost of doing business and this is where we fundamentally disagree with them. No compromise can be found, and if we fail we will have failed campaigning for something with the courage of its own convictions, not for some milquetoast liberalism which promises little and delivers less.

Labour’s strength lies in its people, and the campaigning on the ground so far has been second to none. So tomorrow: trust no polls, go out and vote, help people get to the polls and keep in mind how sweet it will be to be in Julia Hartley-Brewer’s mentions if Corbyn walks into Downing Street on 13th December.

Yours,

The Trashboiz
Riley, Milo, Hussein, Nate and Alice